Self - Judgement day.

Warning... Long Sunday rambling note follows...  Imagine me in a calm place, not ranting, not being judgemental, just observing my thoughts and feelings...

This journey of letting go.  It's quite the thing.  Love is not possessive. That's pretty profound for me.  I didn't even know that I had a life position which said it was possessive. Blind spots, tricksy things.  Imagine the epiphany!  My basic interactions with women through my life have been possessive, for fear of being abandoned.  I have been suspicious of motive. Well, not any more. 

I don't doubt that most people have an agenda, of course they do, they're playing out their life script, but most of the time they're not in script unless they have something at stake. 

That's why relationships are so important because there's skin in the game, lives are on the line, people might die. Or at least that's the absolute terms in which our amygdalla might see it. 

I think there's a wider life game afoot. One of the things that came out of the boat trip last week was a discussion about oneness.  (did I mention how we'd named it Zep and the farce of narrowboat maintenance? - Led Zeppelin was another topic)

We were debating the point of getting out of bed (or "living"). One view was that we come from nothing and we return to nothing, so what's the point of getting out of bed?  An alternative view was that we come from everything and we return to everything - I know, very Zen!

The time we spend in between is a journey to self awareness. Those who struggle with life then, may be subconsciously afraid of time running out before they've figured it out, or put another way, the root of all fear is the fear of dying.  

Have you noticed how as people get older they either become more childish, demanding, coercive, needy even, or else they've achieved a state of calm communsurate with that life stage.  This is true throughout life, it's just more noticeable at key milestones such as retirement, turning forty, leaving home for the first time, starting school for the first time. It's amazing how often adults have issues from their childhood that they've long ago given up any conscious hope of resolving.

And yet it's these earliest unresolved issues and sometimes trauma which daily eat away at our sense of inner peace, they form the root of the patterns we've adopted through life, these patterns become self reinforcing until we simply call them "personality".  Ever wondered why some people need Botox, surgery, gym memberships?  Ever wondered why people say "you can't" when they mean "I won't".  Why people subconciously deny themselves peace and calm and yet shrug their shoulders and say, "you can't help who you are" instead of "I won't help who I am" which would be closer to the truth were it not for their basic learned fear. I'm not blaming or judging here. It's no-one's fault. From the moment of birth we begin to adapt, to form our personality.  The problem is, basic fear stops us from recognising that our personality is ever changing, even as consciously we tell ourselves the lie that we're robust and constant.   

We are so successful at creating monuments to our fear of mortality our entire system has become bound to it.  We strive for freedom and find ourselves in ever greater bondage. Slave to money, to stuff, to needing to have as much as possible. For what? I can't take it with me.  To pass on? Why? To ensure my offspring are begun in bondage? 

I asked myself what sort of people make great leaders in the physical world, it's not the tree-huggers is it, they're more likely to make great spiritual leaders?  What if the great physical world leaders are the most afraid of dying and so they invent a broad message of vapid consumerism, construction and ownership of stuff.  Look how much effort is expended telling us of the need to be young forever. 

The size zero model debate, a very real example of those in control of the fashion industry literally forcing women to stay childlike, to not develop. Like a sort of arrested development experiment to cheat death. Of course the opposite sadly happens, but not to the controllers, just the controlled. 

Those who exercise power/control (especially if under the pernicious veil of helplessness) may be the most frightened of all. The more frightened, the less they allow themselves to acknowledge their true feelings and instead turn to attack, to judge.  Hence sarcasm, teasing, to hurt others feelings so they withdraw too. Bullying, coercion, controlling it's all the same basic fear of feelings. The same underlying fear of dying. 

So, finally I understand that I don't need to be in control, and it's OK to gently resist being controlled by being truly honest about my feelings without them hooking me into becoming judgemental of others (I'm suggesting that all judgement is fear I suppose). This is where I am now. Finally, approaching 47 years old, I am at the end, of the beginning. Those long ago personality adaptations are now exposed to my conscious thoughts and as I become aware of them I can allow myself the trust and non judgement to proceed in peace.  Anyone who knows me may notice a subtle shift in my "personality". If I falter and slide into my old adaptations, and you seek to judge me for it, I invite you to consider where your judgement may be rooted. 

I used to say "I'm trying to..." a lot.  Now I decide whether I'm ready to allow myself or not... I realise that "trying" implies resistance from others, when really it's mostly my own inner adaptations which are the root of the resistance I perceive in others.  When I say "trying", it's said as a form of excuse, as if I lacked the basic capability.

I'd go so far as to say that "trying" maybe shorthand for "looking to see how i can obtain the upper hand in order to protect myself from really making progress because I'm not ready to die,  I haven't figured my shit out yet but I don't want to have to kill you either so now I'm stuck in a dilemma". Whereas "allowing", or "being" are not judgemental at all, if I can let go of my own fear of "dying before I'm ready", then I no longer need to adopt a judgemental position, whether toward others or toward myself.

 Imagine that! My self judgement is a self induced feedback loop (or inner struggle) which really serves to distract me from acknowledging my mortality, my journey back to being part of everything, from whence I came. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust" doesn't really explain it does it - that's the problem with organised religion, it's obtuse pious bollocks (yeah, I was being judgemental there, bite me) 

It's OK for me to feel however I feel and for others to do the same.  I can be authentically true to myself and seek not to judge others. Thus, altruistic love.  What we often call love is not, it's fear and jealousy, control, narcissism etc.  

The greatest "lie" we hear from others is "I love you" when what they mean is desire, carnality, lust, control, aggression, fear, disgust, anger etc.  And when do we learn this lie (because we all tell it)? 

From the moment we are born.  

Our wonderful, but imperfect, parents, our family and friends all of whom have been inculcated into the use of the word love as a cover for their many truer feelings and fears, just like us. So why judge them?. Hence we find "true" and "altruistic" and "real" as qualifiers to love.  True altruistic real love is not possessive, controlling, or a cover for any other agenda or need, it's the simple acknowledgement of others. All others, and not just people, but all living things. 

As I watch people whether on TV or elsewhere It's scary how easy it is now to be aware of and read their basic life position.  Watching X factor last night (did you reach to judge me just then? 😉), Simon and Cheryl have the most fascinating codependent relationship. The biggest surprise was the extent of Simon Cowell's please others driver.  He believes he's this big heroic leader, and yet watching as the audience booed his decisions he's constantly looking to Cheryl for reassurance before pressing on because he knows he's right, or else changing his mind when he's wrong without any acknowledgement, in the moment, of any emotional pain he's causing the contestants.  I'm sure that on playback, he is often as surprised as anyone else by his bluntness in the moment.   Fatherhood will do that to a man, the realisation of what real love is, as compared to the many things we've always called love, well, it's just too powerful to ignore, and nor should it be.  

The joy of authentic love is that it's boundless, limitless, infinite.

If i chose not to feel authentic altruistic love, as I have done for so many years then I must also have blocked all my other authentic feelings. So my suggestion (to me when i come back to read this in the coming months) is to get comfortable with authentic feelings. Relax, they don't overwhelm, no-one's going to die. 

Or carry on in fear, spend a lifetime putting energy into cover stories or misnaming things (like calling possessive feelings "love" when they're no such thing) - continue trying to block my authentic self and instead carry on with the misfiring "personality" adaptations. 

I'm not "trying to do" anymore, I'm allowing myself to "just be". 

Safe travels, may your journey bring you to safety, courage, happiness and peace.