Bed time

As I suggested in the earlier post, I've become aware of an internal struggle between my inner child and inner parent.  And I think I may finally have unlocked the deepest buried door/flaw in my personality.  

My inner child begins to get anxious at bed time. To be clear I have no difficulty sleeping. I wear a FitBit which has provided me with good empirical data that once asleep I generally sleep pretty well. 

The realisation that I am tired a lot of the time nonetheless has led me to question the real truth as to why. It led me to the realisation that, historically, I sleep better when there's someone else there. 

A deep rooted fear of going to bed.  This is the sort of thing that some small children exhibit. We all know of stories where children crawl into their parents bed at night or won't settle to sleep unless mum or dad is there as they nod off. 

The realisation that I had this anxiety and it's still with me as an adult was quite a shock and a revelation. It explains lots of things, old behaviours of not wanting to leave the pub, not wanting to part company. That's the thing, I have never been a "lonely" drinker. But, with hindsight, pity anyone who became ensnared in my evening. 

I look back now and realise how often I would subtly (and sometimes not so subtly!) find ways to have people stay for "one for the road" which often as not would become quite a long road stretching late into the night and on into the early hours.  The damage this would do to those around me, who were too polite or nice to stand their ground or had their own reasons for not heading home, and damage to their relationships too was irrelevant to my frightened anxious inner child.  

Please don't judge me harshly, this was deeply rooted and subconscious behaviour.  I was not consciously aware of just how destructive this was. As I look back now I'm mortified how my "terrible twos" had lasted into my forties. 

Also, the next time you wonder what men who are natural leaders have in common, I can tell you. They never grew up. Their inner child needs are so strong and so deeply buried they'll set about fixing the entire world, all the while oblivious to it being them that is "broken". Turning the entire world on it's head to avoid acknowledging their own insecurity.

So back to bedtime, whats going on? At the rational level this is nonsense. A grown man anxious about going to bed!

And so here it is laid bare. 

I have separation anxiety, and it's very deeply rooted. I know why. It's to do with what happened in the first year of my life. I'm aware of events involving my parents which I need not describe here, but suffice to say I developed anxious attachment. 

Through this summer I have been gradually stripping away all of the layers which have subconsciously built up on top of this primary anxious attachment. As an Adult, I can finally see the truth of all the behaviours I have exhibited over the years and how they stem from this basic faulty attachment. 

I can see now that I have frequently been needy in relationships because I was still in need from my founding relationship.  It led me, at an early age, to become adept at finding creative ways to charm and manipulate others into providing me with a level of comfort that as I grew up physically has been inappropriate to expect of them.  

By the time I was little more than two years old, my subconscious had learned that none of my true feelings were being acknowledged and the only emotion that seemed to cut through was losing my temper.  I learned this at home.   My mum took to calling me "little thundercloud", my father emotionally (and often physically) absent.  A struggle for authentic and unconditional love that I have carried with me.  

As I look back now, so much has become clear.  All those relationships gone sour.  A divorce.   And a realisation that I have much to do to show my two wonderful boys what I have learned and knowing they too will likely have some pretty bulky adaptations that I contributed to.

I've been stuck in this child place where I'd assumed, just as a small child does, that it's somebody else's responsibility to make things better. Now I can see this and it's no longer in my blind-spot, as an Adult, I am free to resolve it for myself. 

I am grateful to a close friend who in mentioning a revelation she has had about the changing dynamic when her younger sibling arrived, unlocked this realisation in me. 

I am the younger sibling in my family. My parents, already embroiled in their own issues, were not in a position to provide the secure attachment that would have been beneficial to me as I set out on life's journey.  To be clear, I do not blame them, I'm sufficiently aware of their story to know the background and since the past is done then acknowledgement and forgiveness is what allows me to move forward.

Seeing this for the first time has allowed me to map the path which led to all my other adaptations. I have a strong driver to please others, which provides enthusiasm when things are going well, but can become histrionic when not.  And the hidden adaptation driven by subconscious passive aggressive behaviour which is playful when things go well, and resisting when not. 

These are both "performing" adaptations.  My primary "surviving" adaptation is charming-manipulator, and beneath that creative-daydreamer.  When things get really bad I withdraw into a creative depression.  Needing to express my feelings but, as learned at an early age, instead turning into a much more frightening "thundercloud". A small child trapped in a mans body. My only learned "defence" to shout at what was upsetting me. 

Again, when things are going well I come up with creative solutions to problems - my insights seeming almost miraculous to others at times (so I have been told at least).  But when not, I start to loose touch with reality and imagine all sorts of things which come from an inner assumption which is false but which I would not allow myself to see was such. This rubs along nicely with passive agressiveness.  False assumptions which somebody else is supposed to fix. 

People who know me well, know that I frequently want to draw problem solving into the "abstract", seeking patterns in events to uncover the true underlying cause. Sometimes this can take hold of me and that's when I start to slide. Creativity sliding into a loss of connection with reality, assumptions made but untested.  

And just for full measure... A Be Perfect driver. My brother, always a straight-A's model student, held up to me as an example of all that I was not. As I write this I become aware of some residual anger toward my brother who, through no fault of his own, remains to this day introverted and unable to express his feelings openly.  It's time to let go of that anger, it was always misplaced and now I see, unnecessary. I can immediately see how our relationship has been carved out. On the surface OK as adults. We have found common cause in our subconscious resentment toward parents who let us down.  I can immediately begin to understand his perspective in a way that had previously been un-knowable for me. 

A Be Perfect driver which, as I slide away from objective reality, delivers a small soupçon of becoming suspicious of others motives and assuming the worst. Coupled with my abstract reasoning, leading me to, on good days, be brilliant, and as things slide, deeply skeptical, paranoid almost.

I have a full house of surviving adaptations. 

This then is me.  At last. My "personality" mapped and revealed to me fully.  My blind-spot laid bare.  

I am already a much better person than I was a year ago.  As I have uncovered each layer of my personality and seen how they've affected me and those around me, it has at times been a deeply troubling and emotional journey. Much guilt and remorse rising up like the icing on the cake as I've become aware of my past.  I really don't know if I'll be able to repair the damage.  I can only seek forgiveness in others.   

At each stage I have attempted to convince myself that my journey is done and I have continued to be shocked as I become consciously aware of further layers. 

With that said, these two discoveries, the anxiety at bed time and as I've written this post, a realisation of misplaced hidden resentment and anger toward my brother, feel very close to root. Since I am now dealing with birth year realisations, I don't know if there can much more "past" to observe and settle. 

So, back to anxiety about going to bed. 

As I said, I have a lot of critical Parent and adapted Child in me. 

My failed strategy to get to bed has been to rely upon criticising myself for not achieving the basic task of getting to bed at a reasonable hour.  The point is, this is how I was dealt with as a child, I was dealt with in short order at bed time, a frequent struggle ensuing and then left to my own devices. 

By the time I was two I was probably resisting going to bed and this has been a subconscious pattern ever since. A pattern so deeply ingrained that I've continued it all by myself.

Having finally realised this over the weekend, I adopted a different strategy at bed time. I adopted a Nurturing Parent approach (or put another way, I stopped judging myself and decided to be kind instead). I sat patiently with myself as I reviewed the reality of things as they are now. Taking time to observe my anxiety, which manifested itself as an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and taking the time to breathe and come to rest, to observe the anxiety and allow it to dissolve. 

And just to be sure, I made a cup of hot chocolate and Horlicks, a sweet bribe if you will, turning my manipulative past to good use!

The past two evenings, I have switched off the TV at 10pm and entered into this self-aware and different bedtime routine, finally accepting responsibility for putting a routine in place for myself more than forty years late.

It's early days, but I was in bed soon after 10pm and as I caught myself "just checking email" I consciously and gently put the phone down and congratulated my inner child for his good behaviour. 

I slept well the past two evenings, achieving more than seven hours sleep on both occasions. 

As you read this, you may wonder if I've lost the plot. Actually, I've found it. 

Last night I had a dream which very strongly signifies achievement of another milestone on my journey to full self awareness and explains now why my brother appeared in the dream. 

I still have some anxiety remaining.  I know what that is, and only patience will resolve it.