Six months later

Well now.... Six months have passed.  And I've finally released my self from my ego. 

What does this mean? Well for a full breakdown obtain "A new Earth" by Echart Tolle, digested best as an audiobook rather than in e-book or paper form.

It's been quite the journey to this new place where my chest feels light, and I'm fully aware of what's going on in my body  at any given moment.

So I've learned how to listen to my ego (that constant inner monologue that encompasses all our past experiences, both emotional and rationalised) as an observer, no longer drawn away by my past projecting onto my future.

At the same time, becoming conscious. Knowing how each of the sensations that arise within this body I inhabit translate into feelings, and to know how to trace back those feelings to misunderstandings of the past being projected onto now and the future by my ego, that collection of rules and strategies borne of experience. 

To be aware of all of this in real time, not after the fact, is quite enlightening. One might say, "enlightened". 

I still feel all my feelings, what's different is that now they don't transport me away, they don't overwhelm me, instead the observer is always present, the Adult, supporting my playfully free inner child and my nurturing supporting inner parent. 

To go back to an earlier analogy, I am allowing my journey of flow down life's river to proceed without fear, I am confident that my boat is sound and am relaxed and enjoying looking up at the trees and feeling the sunshine as I relax in my little boat and flow downstream.

So, may your journey become one of flow, may you find peace and contentment and may you know that your are already whole.  And, know that you are loved, just for being you. 

Namaste. 

Control

Control is a funny thing isn't it?

"You make me angry".

"You can't see how difficult this is"

I've recently become more aware of the manifold ways in which we give away control subconsciously.  How we signal that we are "controllable" to others.  Consciously we may become anxious about "being controlled" and judging others to be "controlling" completely oblivious that we are asking to be "controlled" and it is entirely within our own power to avoid. 

So what is "control"?

Before I explore the answer to that, it's probably worth mentioning that if you are someone who fears being controlled, or who believes that others can be controlling or hold power over you, then your first instinctive response to what follows will be to simply discount it, to find ways to ignore it.  So instead the invitation is to see if you can give yourself permission not judge it.  At all. Just allow the possibility of its truth to sit with you for a while.

At its extreme, you may conclude or judge that I'm trying to tell you what to think, and therefore this post is trying to control you somehow.

Think about that for a moment.  A certain way to establish whether we're beginning to fear something is to listen to our bodies. If muscles start to tense, if the stomach starts to knot, if the breath becomes more shallow etc.  So if, as you read on, your body begins to have any sort of reaction, pay attention to it. Allow yourself to feel your fear or anxiety. 

And then, ask yourself, how exactly is this blog post "controlling" you?

See if you can be objective.  You're reading text typed sometime ago by some stranger in a strange world. How, objectively, are you being controlled?  This stranger would have to have omnipotent powers wouldn't they? Mind control through the medium of.... what exactly?

The text will be stored in Google's cloud somewhere on servers. You will call the data to screen across the internet and it will be rendered so that you can read it.  Where is the control coming from?

To be clear, I'm not talking here about physical restraint.  That's an entirely different thing.  I'm talking about the sort of control that you may "feel" that others have over you, somehow they have the ability to what? Suggest ideas to you that you feel compelled to follow? - Mind control?

Wow... Think about that for a moment,  The suggestion is that other sacks of flesh and bone are somehow able to control you through the sheer will of their minds without even restraining you? - Is that objectively possible?

Subjectively, it's certainly possible, but not Objectively.

So what's going on?

It's the same thing that makers of horror movies rely upon.

If you're a big fan of horror movies, particularly "scare" or psychological movies (as opposed to blood and gore horror), there's a strong chance you're also finely attuned to what you perceive to be the "controlling behaviour" of others.

It's all about fear.

Control is what we label our fear as, when others remind us of patterns of behaviour we've encountered before, but when we felt powerless to do something about it.  In this present moment, confronted again by that past pattern, we label the other person as "controlling".

And this is all going on subconsciously.

So where does the pattern come from?

Also... become aware that the more we perceive "controlling" in others, the more likely we are to exhibit "controlling" behaviour ourselves.  But of course, we'll be completely oblivious to our own behaviours!

So where does the pattern come from?

What is it about certain types of people? We find them attractive and yet eventually we may label them as "trouble" or "controlling" or "coercive".  What are we really saying?  Unless that person is physically restraining you, how are they controlling you, really?

If you're not physically restrained, you can simply leave at any time.  You can walk away.

And yet, you don't.  Why might that be?

Bed time

As I suggested in the earlier post, I've become aware of an internal struggle between my inner child and inner parent.  And I think I may finally have unlocked the deepest buried door/flaw in my personality.  

My inner child begins to get anxious at bed time. To be clear I have no difficulty sleeping. I wear a FitBit which has provided me with good empirical data that once asleep I generally sleep pretty well. 

The realisation that I am tired a lot of the time nonetheless has led me to question the real truth as to why. It led me to the realisation that, historically, I sleep better when there's someone else there. 

A deep rooted fear of going to bed.  This is the sort of thing that some small children exhibit. We all know of stories where children crawl into their parents bed at night or won't settle to sleep unless mum or dad is there as they nod off. 

The realisation that I had this anxiety and it's still with me as an adult was quite a shock and a revelation. It explains lots of things, old behaviours of not wanting to leave the pub, not wanting to part company. That's the thing, I have never been a "lonely" drinker. But, with hindsight, pity anyone who became ensnared in my evening. 

I look back now and realise how often I would subtly (and sometimes not so subtly!) find ways to have people stay for "one for the road" which often as not would become quite a long road stretching late into the night and on into the early hours.  The damage this would do to those around me, who were too polite or nice to stand their ground or had their own reasons for not heading home, and damage to their relationships too was irrelevant to my frightened anxious inner child.  

Please don't judge me harshly, this was deeply rooted and subconscious behaviour.  I was not consciously aware of just how destructive this was. As I look back now I'm mortified how my "terrible twos" had lasted into my forties. 

Also, the next time you wonder what men who are natural leaders have in common, I can tell you. They never grew up. Their inner child needs are so strong and so deeply buried they'll set about fixing the entire world, all the while oblivious to it being them that is "broken". Turning the entire world on it's head to avoid acknowledging their own insecurity.

So back to bedtime, whats going on? At the rational level this is nonsense. A grown man anxious about going to bed!

And so here it is laid bare. 

I have separation anxiety, and it's very deeply rooted. I know why. It's to do with what happened in the first year of my life. I'm aware of events involving my parents which I need not describe here, but suffice to say I developed anxious attachment. 

Through this summer I have been gradually stripping away all of the layers which have subconsciously built up on top of this primary anxious attachment. As an Adult, I can finally see the truth of all the behaviours I have exhibited over the years and how they stem from this basic faulty attachment. 

I can see now that I have frequently been needy in relationships because I was still in need from my founding relationship.  It led me, at an early age, to become adept at finding creative ways to charm and manipulate others into providing me with a level of comfort that as I grew up physically has been inappropriate to expect of them.  

By the time I was little more than two years old, my subconscious had learned that none of my true feelings were being acknowledged and the only emotion that seemed to cut through was losing my temper.  I learned this at home.   My mum took to calling me "little thundercloud", my father emotionally (and often physically) absent.  A struggle for authentic and unconditional love that I have carried with me.  

As I look back now, so much has become clear.  All those relationships gone sour.  A divorce.   And a realisation that I have much to do to show my two wonderful boys what I have learned and knowing they too will likely have some pretty bulky adaptations that I contributed to.

I've been stuck in this child place where I'd assumed, just as a small child does, that it's somebody else's responsibility to make things better. Now I can see this and it's no longer in my blind-spot, as an Adult, I am free to resolve it for myself. 

I am grateful to a close friend who in mentioning a revelation she has had about the changing dynamic when her younger sibling arrived, unlocked this realisation in me. 

I am the younger sibling in my family. My parents, already embroiled in their own issues, were not in a position to provide the secure attachment that would have been beneficial to me as I set out on life's journey.  To be clear, I do not blame them, I'm sufficiently aware of their story to know the background and since the past is done then acknowledgement and forgiveness is what allows me to move forward.

Seeing this for the first time has allowed me to map the path which led to all my other adaptations. I have a strong driver to please others, which provides enthusiasm when things are going well, but can become histrionic when not.  And the hidden adaptation driven by subconscious passive aggressive behaviour which is playful when things go well, and resisting when not. 

These are both "performing" adaptations.  My primary "surviving" adaptation is charming-manipulator, and beneath that creative-daydreamer.  When things get really bad I withdraw into a creative depression.  Needing to express my feelings but, as learned at an early age, instead turning into a much more frightening "thundercloud". A small child trapped in a mans body. My only learned "defence" to shout at what was upsetting me. 

Again, when things are going well I come up with creative solutions to problems - my insights seeming almost miraculous to others at times (so I have been told at least).  But when not, I start to loose touch with reality and imagine all sorts of things which come from an inner assumption which is false but which I would not allow myself to see was such. This rubs along nicely with passive agressiveness.  False assumptions which somebody else is supposed to fix. 

People who know me well, know that I frequently want to draw problem solving into the "abstract", seeking patterns in events to uncover the true underlying cause. Sometimes this can take hold of me and that's when I start to slide. Creativity sliding into a loss of connection with reality, assumptions made but untested.  

And just for full measure... A Be Perfect driver. My brother, always a straight-A's model student, held up to me as an example of all that I was not. As I write this I become aware of some residual anger toward my brother who, through no fault of his own, remains to this day introverted and unable to express his feelings openly.  It's time to let go of that anger, it was always misplaced and now I see, unnecessary. I can immediately see how our relationship has been carved out. On the surface OK as adults. We have found common cause in our subconscious resentment toward parents who let us down.  I can immediately begin to understand his perspective in a way that had previously been un-knowable for me. 

A Be Perfect driver which, as I slide away from objective reality, delivers a small soupçon of becoming suspicious of others motives and assuming the worst. Coupled with my abstract reasoning, leading me to, on good days, be brilliant, and as things slide, deeply skeptical, paranoid almost.

I have a full house of surviving adaptations. 

This then is me.  At last. My "personality" mapped and revealed to me fully.  My blind-spot laid bare.  

I am already a much better person than I was a year ago.  As I have uncovered each layer of my personality and seen how they've affected me and those around me, it has at times been a deeply troubling and emotional journey. Much guilt and remorse rising up like the icing on the cake as I've become aware of my past.  I really don't know if I'll be able to repair the damage.  I can only seek forgiveness in others.   

At each stage I have attempted to convince myself that my journey is done and I have continued to be shocked as I become consciously aware of further layers. 

With that said, these two discoveries, the anxiety at bed time and as I've written this post, a realisation of misplaced hidden resentment and anger toward my brother, feel very close to root. Since I am now dealing with birth year realisations, I don't know if there can much more "past" to observe and settle. 

So, back to anxiety about going to bed. 

As I said, I have a lot of critical Parent and adapted Child in me. 

My failed strategy to get to bed has been to rely upon criticising myself for not achieving the basic task of getting to bed at a reasonable hour.  The point is, this is how I was dealt with as a child, I was dealt with in short order at bed time, a frequent struggle ensuing and then left to my own devices. 

By the time I was two I was probably resisting going to bed and this has been a subconscious pattern ever since. A pattern so deeply ingrained that I've continued it all by myself.

Having finally realised this over the weekend, I adopted a different strategy at bed time. I adopted a Nurturing Parent approach (or put another way, I stopped judging myself and decided to be kind instead). I sat patiently with myself as I reviewed the reality of things as they are now. Taking time to observe my anxiety, which manifested itself as an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and taking the time to breathe and come to rest, to observe the anxiety and allow it to dissolve. 

And just to be sure, I made a cup of hot chocolate and Horlicks, a sweet bribe if you will, turning my manipulative past to good use!

The past two evenings, I have switched off the TV at 10pm and entered into this self-aware and different bedtime routine, finally accepting responsibility for putting a routine in place for myself more than forty years late.

It's early days, but I was in bed soon after 10pm and as I caught myself "just checking email" I consciously and gently put the phone down and congratulated my inner child for his good behaviour. 

I slept well the past two evenings, achieving more than seven hours sleep on both occasions. 

As you read this, you may wonder if I've lost the plot. Actually, I've found it. 

Last night I had a dream which very strongly signifies achievement of another milestone on my journey to full self awareness and explains now why my brother appeared in the dream. 

I still have some anxiety remaining.  I know what that is, and only patience will resolve it.

Parent Adult Child

Hopefully this will be a shortish post.  If you know about Transactional Analysis you'll know about PAC: Parent Adult Child

And you may also know about Personality Adaptations. 

If not, I recommend TA today and Personality Adaptations. Two books by the same authors that I have found incredibly helpful in understanding my journey.  I also recommend seeing a counsellor if you're feeling at all wobbly, even if just a little bit because chances are if you've only just noticed you're a bit wobbly you've probably been misfiring for quite a while and everyone else will already know but have been too nice to mention it. At least that's my experience, your mileage may vary. 

Anyway, back to PAC.  Berne first suggested that all interactions between people form a transaction, with a stimulus and a response.  I'm not going to explain it further here, you can read his original book, Games people play.  The other book which developed this basic theory is called I'm OK you're OK.  They're a little dated in their written style now but still brilliant references. 

Berne suggests we have three basic voices that we use. Parent, Adult and Child. 

Modern wellbeing or meditation focussed on non judgement. And coming to rest. In my experience this allows one to move to observer, which is the Adult in PAC

The Parent is often considered to be sliced into four attitudes. Two are Critical Parent and two are Nurturing Parent. Within each the attitudes can be positive or negative hence four not two. 

Likewise the child has two primary attitudes, free child and adapted child. 

I have discovered that I have a lot of adapted child and critical parent in me. And they struggle with each other. I don't have much nurturing parent in me and as a consequence not much free child either. 

A simple example, for reasons I need not expand on here, my adapted child doesn't like going to bed.  My critical parent them starts to lay down the rules. I start to tell myself not to be so silly, and that tonight I am definitely going to bed at 10pm. 

Sure enough, bed at 1am having sat and watched complete garbage on TV. In the morning I'm tired and instantly berating myself. This is a negative feedback loop.

My adapted child then becomes fractious and anxious.  And so the anxiety feeds on itself and come bedtime... Off we go again. 

For several months now I've been aware of this.  And I've only just figured out how to resolve it.  

Nurturing Parent.  See, it's the adapted child that has anxiety. So Critical Parent is never going to help. 

I know, how many times have I been talking with friends of late about sitting down next to the inner child and providing comfort... I really should take my own advice. 

So I'll give that a go instead tonight. 

Personality flaws, and how we protect them.

A year ago, if I had thought I would be writing this I would have judged myself certifiably insane. 

The journey to self awareness continues. 

One of the greatest steps forward I made a couple of months ago was the realisation that I was able to see others blind spots whilst being completely oblivious to my own.  

As this came to awareness I started to wonder how I would override the deep rooted adaptations and begin to change how I respond to the world if I wasn't even aware that I was over-adapting.

We all over adapt when someone pushes at our blind spot, we all move into servival mode.  Ever heard someone angrily express their view that someone "really knows how to push my buttons"?

What they mean is, "this person points out something in my blind spot which I don't want to acknowledge about myself, and so I go into fight/flight mode and over react, even as I remain unconcious that I even have a blind spot".

 Next time someone says something to you and you become aware that your emotions are on the rise, or if you tend to bury your emotions, then maybe you can become aware that you're moving to sarcasm or some other form of one upmanship; then instead of seeking to kill them or flee them (fight/flight), see if you can allow yourself to observe the emotions, without overadapting to them. If you can observe then you may find its possible to allow yourself to see what it truly is in your blindspot that you were prepared to kill for to avoid acknowledging. It's probably something which you consider a foundational part of your personality, In which case you'd have picked it up very early in life and spend the rest of the time since reinforcing rather than correcting. Such is the power of the blindspot. 

I want to acknowledge the excellent counsellor who shows extreme patience with me as I went from one rambling game of self-denial to another in an unconcious attempt to avoid facing my truth.  I am sure I tested her resolve on many occasions. 

My first game involved an attempt to outsmart her by rapidly barrelling through a list of books on counselling. As I look back now it was ridiculous! Imagine, I genuinely thought the sensible thing to do was see if I could find a way to pretend that I was "getting better". 

That's the thing about this journey, sometimes its a real trip.  I look back now and laugh at how ridiculous I was being.  The adaptations we carry through life are so powerful because they begin from when we're born and at that moment our very survival is at stake.  If you're thinking that in the modern day our survival is more or less assured all things being equal, then you may be right, but that's a very recent benefit, our basic "operating system" continues to function as it has done, as it has evolved over millennia. 

So from the moment we're born, the world we inhabit, the things which happen to us, and how we feel about and interpret those events are being recorded and moulded into our personality.  Our wonderful parents and siblings provide the biggest influence on our basic personality. We assume they love us and have our best interests at heart, which of course they do, this is not about apportioning blame; instead the invitation is simply to acknowledge and accept that they too are the sum of their experiences and so they will have unconciously exercised their own biases and judgements as to what was best for us at at any given moment.  

It's not so surprising then that our subconcious can over adapt quite radically in an attempt to protect us and ensure we survive. The alternative, if we approach it in a judgemental frame, would be to question the very foundation of our personality and our family unit. So the first step is to let go of judgement. Which requires us to acknowledge that judgements are made defensively because we fear something. Which requires us to allow ourselves to truly see what it is we are afraid of. A good start point is "death" fear that we may die before we achieve true individuation, true peace, true love or whatever it is our true hearts desire wants but is afraid to ask for. 

I'm also of the view that this is where all our basic fears come from, the survival instinct is hard wired to avoid death and so from the first moments our vivid imaginations make death something to fear at all costs. 

It's no wonder then that we end up such a mess of neuroses!