Chainsaw
Four months ago I started trying to defeat the apple tree in the front garden. I've never forgiven it for dropping a large apple on to the bonnet of our Yaris. (This was last Autumn, long before the ding in the bonnet was the least of the problems with the Yaris... sadly it lost a fight my wife decided to have with a telegraph pole in December and is no more)
I began with manly intentions, armed only with lopping shears and a standard saw. It was only when I started attacking the tree that I realised a saw was no match for a 14 inch thick trunk. Hence, since late November the apple tree has been in a shambolic state - almost a contender for DIY-SOS, except last time I checked Nick Knowles and his team don't do horticultural rescue (as Mick Jagger so nearly sang about).
I had been banned from buying a chainsaw. I had dropped many hints around the time of my birthday, but I am not to be trusted apparently - I am second only to the crayons-only folks.
My lovely wife mentioned the tree to a neighbour - a gentleman of advanced years, grandfather to one of the children that attends the local nursery with my younger son - he offered to bring his chainsaw round and deal with the tree. This, according to my wife, was perfectly acceptable - I on the other hand had issues at many levels with this.
I nodded sagely when my wife imparted this news to me, and decided to lay low on that front for several months.
Lucky for me, Spring has been very slow in arriving this year. At this time last year the tree was in full blossom. This year - still snoring, not a bud in sight, fast asleep.
Enter this morning... the first bright, sunny, not brass monkeys Sunday in many months. I dropped my wife off at John Lewis Welwyn where she does a Sunday job and on the way home accidentally found myself parked in the B&Q car-park a good mile off my usual route home (how did that happen?)
The boys came in with me and helped me choose a Bosch chainsaw (with gloves and helmet... who says I'm not to be trusted?) - I very nearly went the whole hog and bought a petrol one that made the right nerummmmmmnnnnnnn-nn-nn type noises and
everything, but panicked when I realised i'd need to mess around with petrol cans (now there's something I really ought not to be left alone with) - so I bought an electric one with a kick-back brake*
I got all the way home, read the instructions, went to assemble it and discovered the box had no chain in it. I went all the way back to Welwyn Garden City where the helpful young man proceeded to open all the other boxes and discovered the local chainsaw-chain fetishist had paid a visit.
I was very nearly thwarted. It was very nearly tree 1 furry 0. But, common sense prevailed finally, and young B&Q chap #2 went and got a replacement chain from the spares section much to the annoyance of chap #1 who had insisted this was not a possible course of action.
My elder son went to a birthday party this afternoon with his nanna, so that left me and younger son contemplating the tree. He was more than happy to sit in his pram (a safe distance away for any social workers who may be lurking) and watch his dad.
Considering I had spent a whole day last year damaging mainly my knuckles instead of the tree, it took me 90 minutes to reduce the tree to a stump and a pile of logs (and much more saw-dust than I had anticipated) - with no injuries - this is a first for me.
When my wife got home she noticed the lack of tree, and amazingly didn't put up much of a fight when I mentioned B&Q - mental note to self... wait until wife is ill, tired and hungry... but mainly ill... before doing things I've been expressly forbidden from doing.
*I have no idea what that's for, but I imagined it would provide me with a defence... "No darling, look, it's even got a kick-back brake and everything... stop hitting me... "
I began with manly intentions, armed only with lopping shears and a standard saw. It was only when I started attacking the tree that I realised a saw was no match for a 14 inch thick trunk. Hence, since late November the apple tree has been in a shambolic state - almost a contender for DIY-SOS, except last time I checked Nick Knowles and his team don't do horticultural rescue (as Mick Jagger so nearly sang about).
I had been banned from buying a chainsaw. I had dropped many hints around the time of my birthday, but I am not to be trusted apparently - I am second only to the crayons-only folks.
My lovely wife mentioned the tree to a neighbour - a gentleman of advanced years, grandfather to one of the children that attends the local nursery with my younger son - he offered to bring his chainsaw round and deal with the tree. This, according to my wife, was perfectly acceptable - I on the other hand had issues at many levels with this.
- 1. He's a man of advanced years, I'm not
- 2. He's no more qualified to wield a chainsaw than me
- 3. Legal issues...
I nodded sagely when my wife imparted this news to me, and decided to lay low on that front for several months.
Lucky for me, Spring has been very slow in arriving this year. At this time last year the tree was in full blossom. This year - still snoring, not a bud in sight, fast asleep.
Enter this morning... the first bright, sunny, not brass monkeys Sunday in many months. I dropped my wife off at John Lewis Welwyn where she does a Sunday job and on the way home accidentally found myself parked in the B&Q car-park a good mile off my usual route home (how did that happen?)
The boys came in with me and helped me choose a Bosch chainsaw (with gloves and helmet... who says I'm not to be trusted?) - I very nearly went the whole hog and bought a petrol one that made the right nerummmmmmnnnnnnn-nn-nn type noises and
everything, but panicked when I realised i'd need to mess around with petrol cans (now there's something I really ought not to be left alone with) - so I bought an electric one with a kick-back brake*I got all the way home, read the instructions, went to assemble it and discovered the box had no chain in it. I went all the way back to Welwyn Garden City where the helpful young man proceeded to open all the other boxes and discovered the local chainsaw-chain fetishist had paid a visit.
I was very nearly thwarted. It was very nearly tree 1 furry 0. But, common sense prevailed finally, and young B&Q chap #2 went and got a replacement chain from the spares section much to the annoyance of chap #1 who had insisted this was not a possible course of action.
My elder son went to a birthday party this afternoon with his nanna, so that left me and younger son contemplating the tree. He was more than happy to sit in his pram (a safe distance away for any social workers who may be lurking) and watch his dad.
Considering I had spent a whole day last year damaging mainly my knuckles instead of the tree, it took me 90 minutes to reduce the tree to a stump and a pile of logs (and much more saw-dust than I had anticipated) - with no injuries - this is a first for me.
When my wife got home she noticed the lack of tree, and amazingly didn't put up much of a fight when I mentioned B&Q - mental note to self... wait until wife is ill, tired and hungry... but mainly ill... before doing things I've been expressly forbidden from doing.
*I have no idea what that's for, but I imagined it would provide me with a defence... "No darling, look, it's even got a kick-back brake and everything... stop hitting me... "
posted by Furry at 5:38 pm
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